b r i n g .. o n .. t h e .. d e c o l l a t i o n .. o f .. t h e .. d u m b
2004-05-26 - 2:24 p.m.

and the beat goes on

Sitting in a chair 2 hours before my plane to Florida departs I realize I'm not alone. A woman sits to my right with tears streaming down her cheeks. I hand her a pack of travel tissues. She takes one, thanks me, and hands back the package. I reply, "keep them. I have more." I came prepared.

That was Monday night, only hours after my step-father passed. Since then I've been on a nightmare ride of emotions. Trying unsuccessfully to support my mother through this difficult time. It happened too quick and too soon. For Christ's sake he was only 55. So looking at my mother's suffering and heartache has ripped me apart. Knowing that he was her life and now he's gone is like a stabbing pain in my chest. I love my mother. I'd walk to the ends of the world for her. Watching her make funeral arrangements, deal with a minister she's unaquainted with ... basically throw together a funeral at the last minute for her husband is just plain horrible. Yes, I could use a hand to hold myself, and it could've been arranged, but I decided against it. Given the logistics and situation it didn't make sense. Plus, I'll need someone at home when this is over to cradle me.

Maybe this is so hard for me because for the first time in my life I've had a glimpse into the significance behind finding a "life-long love". But who's to say why things hit you harder in some cases.

My mother is calling me. Apparently something was said that upset her, so I have to cut this short.

If anyone reads this entry, call your mother, father, brother, sister, friends, spouse, lover ... fuck call everyone you know and tell them you love them. Because, well you just never know.


with my tongue >>
in my ears >>
lusting for >>
last 5 beheadings
No More Drunken Debauchery ... For A While At Least - 2004-12-20
lookie what i found for dinner - 2004-12-02
thank you to the tall, thin bespectacled person from seattle ... for making my life miserable - 2004-11-28
keeping in motion - 2004-11-09
Monkeys in My Attic - 2004-11-06

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head still attached ~ in the basket